Big Black Women and the Men they Fall in Love With

 

Story time…

Toward the close of President Obama’s term, his daughter Malia started to get more coverage in the news because she was applying to schools, and presumably, she’d have her pick of whichever school she liked.  Barack attended Columbia for undergrad before attending law school at Harvard, while his wife, Michelle, attended Princeton before heading to Harvard Law.  Certainly not small feats for people of color in the 1980’s.  Approximately 40 years later, suffice to say their daughter was expected to have great success in the application process as well.  Ultimately, she decided to attend Harvard, and she began this past fall.

While I tend not to follow celebrities in the media, September 2017, journalists noted Malia found herself a man at Harvard (that didn’t take long!).  Before doing any digging, I already knew what I would find: Malia’s boyfriend is white.  After skimming an article at length, I did, indeed, confirm my hypothesis.  You may be wondering why my hypothesis was that her boyfriend at Harvard would be white.  The answer is simple: Malia is a Big Black Woman… and she goes to Harvard.  I would be shocked to hear her boyfriend is anything but white, really (Asian, perhaps).

Sure, women face a number of challenges today concerning career advancement, in many respects, but overall, women have (in my opinion) had great success in the workplace.  Events like WWI and WWII certainly helped (the latter in particular), creating situations where there was a strong need to employ women.  During the 1940’s, there was a strong social shift as well, as it became more socially acceptable for middle class women to work, whereas it was previously considered taboo.  Can’t forget the feminist movement of the 50’s and 60’s.  Have to throw that in the mix.  Beyond that, there was the economic case for women working (WWII, like most wars, put a lot of strain on the US economy), so there’s that as well.  Last, but certainly not least, in the decades following WWII, there was rapid growth in access to higher education.  When you couple that with a declining manufacturing sector and growing service sector, people started to work with their head and not so much their hands, so the playing field was beginning to level out for women.  All things considered, women have done okay.

It’s deeper than that, though.  I still haven’t explicitly defined our term of the day, Big Black Women.  To put it plainly, I think for decades, there has been an issue of male engagement within minority communities (I’ll speak to the black community, because that’s a community I’m more familiar with, but I think similar ideas hold true for the Hispanic community as well).  What’s most puzzling of all is I don’t even completely get it.  Absolutely, I know there are variables at play.  Following WWII, there was certainly mass incarceration of people of color.  Black and Hispanic men, to be specific.  I think this set a lot of black families back, and created an achievement gap between black men and black women.  Beyond that, there was also the “war on drugs”, which seemed to disproportionately affect communities of color.  The irony of that is we’re treating our current opioid epidemic in American suburbs very differently than how we treated the urban crack epidemic in the 1980’s (ie. a public health issue vs. a criminal issue)… some have observed there seems to be racial undertones, but I digress.  Again, I think the war on drugs exacerbated the engagement/achievement gap between black men and black women.  There’s also the issue that convictions effectively serve as a “scarlet letter”, in essence excluding you from reintegrating into society, even after you’ve served your prison sentence.  That achievement gap just keeps getting bigger.  Lastly, there’s the general issue of systemic racism, although I don’t see how that would affect men more than it would affect women.  Somehow though, all these variables, and many, many more, have created a climate of engaged, accomplished, successful black women (BIG BLACK WOMEN), and a disproportionately smaller population of accomplished black men.  I’ll be honest, I’m having difficulty connecting the dots.  But I definitely see it.

I remember at the University of Pittsburgh, I was very involved in a student organization in the business school for students of color.  Looking back on it now, over the past 7 years, 5 of the past 7 presidents of the organization have been women.  If my memory serves correctly, even participation seemed to lean in favor of women, with a 65% 35% split.  Where are all the black men???  And I know I’m not crazy, because I feel like I see it on the graduate level, too.  Not too long ago, I attended a session for black graduate students at my university, and we went around the room introducing ourselves.

Let me start by saying I was absolutely blown away.  These girls are doing MD/PhD’s… stinkin’ 8 year programs!  Molecular and cancer biology (stuff I can barely even spell, much less explain to you), NIH funded grants, working with world renowned faculty at our university.  Dual degree this and dual degree that.  Yo, these girls are KILLING it.  The guys are doing great stuff too, but in general, the room was mostly women, so I picked up on their excellence immediately.  It’s certainly possible the guys are doing even bigger things, but they were also underrepresented at the meeting, which goes back to my point on engagement.  And even the leadership team for that organization was mostly women: six girls and one guy (a 1:6 ratio).  Suffice to say, there are plenty of Big Black Women.  There are far, far fewer Big Black Men.  Back to our Malia Obama case.  If you’re a single Big Black Woman, what does the dating scene look like for you?  I’ll share my thoughts.  If you’re looking for data, sorry to disappoint, as most of this is anecdotal… but if you disagree though, I’d love to hear your perspective, too.

Hypothesis 1: Big Black Women are statistically less likely to date black men. 

I feel the need to clarify, at the risk of being misinterpreted.  When I say “big”, I don’t mean to imply in any way, shape, or form that someone is more important or relevant because of the job they have, where they went to school, or their salary.  That’s a pretty shallow and material view of the world and one I don’t prescribe to.  That having been said, I do recognize that social class is a pretty powerful mechanism, whether we’d like to acknowledge that or not.  I think that’s why we generally don’t see someone who dropped out of high school married to someone who’s a doctor or lawyer, not to say there’s anything wrong with that.  In any case, I think if you’re a black man, and you’re interested in this black woman who potentially makes 2x or 3x more than you (maybe more), that can be intimidating.  You may feel you won’t be able to run with her crowd or won’t be able to take her out and show her the good time she may be used to having when she goes out with her friends… or maybe you just think she won’t be into you because your job is kind of basic and hers is a little bit more high profile.  That’s really unfortunate though, because if you’re limiting your dating prospects to other black women that are in your tax bracket, then the dating scene ain’t looking very good for Big Black Women.  In fact, the more accomplished they become, the more it restricts their dating prospects within the black community.

Hypothesis 2: Big Black Women are statistically more likely to marry down if they marry a black man.

I feel like this is the logical conclusion, based on what we’ve already discussed thus far.  Women enroll to attend college at higher rates, have higher graduation rates, and perform better than their male counterparts while they’re enrolled. If a Big Black Woman is really interested in dating a black man, there’s a very high likelihood that she’ll make (significantly) more than him, a term that’s been coined ‘marrying down’.  Simply by virtue of the realities of the black community, there are far, far more Big Black Women than there are Big Black Men.  Consequentially, if you’re a Big Black Woman, and you’d like to date a black man, the odds of you making more than him increase exponentially (see my note on graduation rates).  I do not think the reverse is true though.  That is, because Big Black Men have a much larger pool of Big Black Women to consider as potential dating prospects, I think the likelihood of ‘marrying down’ as a Big Black Man is much lower, assuming your interest is in black women.

Hypothesis 3: Big Black Women are statistically more likely to marry down if they marry in the church.

So, here’s an interesting observation.  In the same way that the minority community, ie. Black/African American, Hispanic, and Native American communities, are facing a critical issue with male engagement, the church is as well.  It’s very well documented.  Male participation in church has been stagnating/declining for several decades.  Beyond that, in general, church doesn’t seem to attract well accomplished men.  I think there are many reasons for this, but I’ll mention just two.  1). I think accomplished people are busier and have less discretionary time.  2). Accomplished people generally have more money and can sometimes have difficulty seeing how spirituality, of any kind, serves to enhance their life.  If that’s the case, in general, Big Black Women who decide to remain in the church are far more likely to marry down, and this is true across different races of men, simply by virtue of the numbers.  If there’s a relatively small population of single men in the congregation, that reduces the likelihood of them being represented in the selected professions/positions/career tracks we’ve been limiting our discussion to.

Hypothesis 4: Men who prescribe to “traditional” gender roles are statistically less likely to date a Big Black Woman.

It’s 2018, people.  Even so, there are still many men who believe they should be smarter, more educated, more accomplished, and higher paid than their wife.  In the absence of that, they can feel somewhat inadequate, threatened, or even insecure.  You better believe that men who prescribe to “traditional” gender roles will not take strong interest in a woman who makes more than them.    Unfortunately, this notion can creep into the church as well.  Indeed, the church has had strong influence on the institution of family, and both men and women learn a great deal about marriage from looking at the Bible… but let me be very clear: The Bible doesn’t say anything about not being able to lead a woman unless you’re smarter than her or have a higher salary.  You can’t get that out the Bible with a crowbar.  Look, I’m sure the idea of your partner making more than you is devastating to your male pride, but honestly, you gotta get over yourself and be more humble.  I’m pretty sure that cute pharmacist across the room still likes you, maybe.  And she’d probably do coffee with you, maybe.  But you need to go shoot your shot.

Hypothesis 5: Big Black Women are statistically more likely to end up dating white or Asian men.

This was my hypothesis for Malia, and it proved to be true.  The reality is, Big Black Women tend to be in spaces with very few people of color.  From Princeton to Harvard, from the emergency room to the courthouse, from the boardroom to the Ritz Carlton.  That’s to be expected in a country that wrestles with wealth inequality, right?  And so, the question isn’t about who Malia dated when she stepped foot on campus at Harvard.  The real question is who was she in daycare with?  What about elementary school?  Church?  Summer Camp and other programs?  Piano or ballet class?  Who are the Obama’s having over for dinner?  Who’s having them over for dinner?  Is it really surprising Malia’s boyfriend is white?  Of course not.  In fact, I think it was the most probable outcome.  For almost identical reasons, I think Big Black Women are disproportionately more likely to end up dating white or Asian men.  I don’t think it’s that they lose interest in black men… hear what I’m saying, people!  Big Black Women spend almost all of their time in spaces with very few black people.  It just comes with the territory.  And frequently, black men can feel intimidated, because they may not be as accomplished professionally.  So they don’t shoot their shot.  But you know who is?  The guys she’s working with.  And they’re not black (or hispanic).  My impression is a Big Black Woman is far more likely to date a white or Asian man, because beyond a certain level of success in her career, she will be approached by far fewer black men, perhaps because they feel intimidated by her career success.

Other Considerations

Now, I can add an extra layer and talk about how Eurocentric paradigms of beauty make it extremely difficult for black women to date outside of their race, but that’s a completely separate topic and I’ll save that for another time.  This will also vary considerably by geography.  Atlanta has a huge population of black professionals and a pretty strong black middle class.  Houston and DC, too.  Philadelphia?  Definitely not.  In case you were wondering, median household income for black families is $41,000 in Atlanta vs. $26,000 in Philly, so, yeah, that supports my notion.

Wait, don’t leave yet…

To close, I feel the need to share on a personal level, because I’m sure at least one person is reading this thinking I’m an absolutely terrible person, or at least a huge jerk because of how I’m characterizing marriage.  Let me be very clear: I don’t prescribe to the philosophies of marrying up or marrying down.  I think if you’re a woman and you find a guy you really like, and he treats you well, you should be with him, albeit society may have some thoughts about it.  I’m a researcher: I observe the world around me, identify meaningful phenomena, and make sense of them.  That’s what this profession is about, after all.  Love’s a beautiful thing… a gift from God.  If you fall in love with a man, and he happens to sharpen pencils for a living, I’m not mad at you.  Sure, I know black men doing exceptional things in their career… but my impression, on average, is that there are far more women, and they’re pretty on top of things.  I think black men have to be humble and learn from the women on this one… they’re truly excelling.  And I applaud them for it, wholeheartedly.

In any case, I’d love to hear your thoughts on Big Black Women and the Men They Fall in Love With.

Nnamdi