Psalms 23
I think it’s important to have go to scriptures for different moments of significance in your life. For me, I know I’m a very inpatient person, so whenever I know I have something (or someone) that will test my patience coming up, I always look at Proverbs 16:32 or Philippians 2:1-11. Or for days where I’m feeling really defeated or gassed, I’ll look at Romans 8:26-38, Joshua 1:1-9, or Matthew 6:25-34. Not surprisingly, in Year 1, I found myself wrestling with a lot of the same things, day after day. Trusting God. Feeling like I won’t be enough (or He won’t be enough). Having absolutely no idea how I would complete said assignment, perform well on said exam, catch up in a class I’m behind on, do my 300 pages of reading for the week (not kidding; 300 pages), write a decent paper (or 3) for the semester, etc.
I’m writing about Psalms 23 because I probably looked at that scripture no less than 50 times over the course of the academic year, probably starting in mid to late September. It’s only 6 verses. I’ll break down some things I see and how it was helpful for me over the course of Year 1 for the PhD program. While you may or may not be in grad school, I’m sure there will be some nuggets in there for you, too.
Verse 1A: “The Lord is my shepherd…”
STOP. The Lord is my shepherd. That means I’m part of the flock. I belong to God. And who doesn’t want to take care of their belongings? Of course God wants to take care of me. Why wouldn’t He? I have to get to a point where I believe God wants me to excel in this program even more than I do, because God wants to take care of me. But my excellence has to be on His terms, not mine. I probably mess myself up because I have this vision of what I think my success is going to look like… people ask me about school ALL THE TIME. I don’t want to have to keep telling people I’m barely getting by. I don’t want to have to keep telling people I’m barely meeting the bar. I remember I was with my small group for church at the end of the semester December 2017, and everyone was going around the circle sharing things they were grateful for in 2017. What I shared was, “I’m grateful that I didn’t flunk out of my program this semester.” That was my good news. Great news, actually. In spite of the highs and lows (there were a LOT of lows) over the course of the semester, God came through. He looks after His sheep.
That brings up a good point though. While being a sheep means I’m part of the flock, being a sheep isn’t necessarily a flattering description, especially for someone who sees himself as pretty capable. I want to be a lion, you feel me? Or maybe, like, a black panther or something, you know? Something fierce, and powerful, and higher up on the food chain. Sheep are kind of… dull. They get into a lot of trouble, and when they wander off too far, they’re at risk of getting preyed on by predators. The only real hope that a sheep has at survival is to stay close to the shepherd. A humbling thought, for sure. The implication is simple. My livelihood depends on being close to God.
Verse 1B: “…I shall not want”
I wrestle with this part. We live in America. About 90% of our needs are taken care of at any given point in time. Do I NEED a PhD? Do I NEED a publication in an A level journal? Do I NEED a placement at an R1 university? I mean, we can simplify this a lot… do I NEED a cellphone? A laptop? Even a car? The reality is, we live in a country where we don’t NEED most of what we have, so it’s not always clear to me what to do with a verse like 1B. The only thing I can think of is, “God is your shepherd, so you will always be taken care of.” That may not look how I expect it to, but I think that’s where trusting in His plan and not mine comes in.
Verse 2: “He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters.”
One of the reasons why I looked at this passage upwards of 50 times this year is it’s a very good text for distressing situations. Whether you’re going through a divorce, or you got laid off from work, or you’re about to spend a long holiday with some family you’re not particularly fond of, this text is really great for distressing situations. Ironically, if you look at verse 2, alone, you would probably never see that. Can you imagine a situation where you finish a class with a 24 (true story) and you go lie down in a green pasture? Can you imagine finding out you made the lowest grade in your class on the midterm (47, true story) and you go take a nice nap beside a lake? There’s nothing about verse 2, in any way, shape, or form, that would even hint at being in the middle of a distressing situation.
But I also think that’s the entire point. Having God is supposed to make us respond to distressing situations in otherwise very unusual ways. It’s kind of like being down by 15 in the 4th quarter, with 5 minutes left, but you have Lebron James coming off the bench. Oh, no big deal! Or being down by two touchdowns, with 10 minutes left in the 4th quarter, but you have Tom Brady taking the field (I can’t stand him, for the record). Oh, no big deal! Obviously, God is much, much better than Lebron James or Tom Brady, but I’m sure you see the point. Distressing situation or not, God is clutch, so there’s no reason to freak out. Take a nap in the grass. Lounge by the pool. Why not? #GodsPlan
Verse 3A: “He restores my soul.”
STOP. Have you ever been in a situation where you just needed some restoration? A PhD program will knock the wind out of you. Literally, almost every single day for my fall semester, I woke up thinking it would be my first and last semester in the PhD program. I was literally going to be dismissed, after only one semester. I lost 15 pounds this year. It took a toll. At key moments, God definitely restored my soul. I feel like my friend, Toochi, put up with my less than stellar outlook on life for SEVERAL weeks. And by less than stellar, I mean, “This city sucks, not feelin’ the people I go to church with, AND I’m getting dragged in school. All you guys can kick rocks.” It didn’t help I was probably doing 80 to 90-hour weeks pretty consistently. Mia helped me out, too. I was getting dragged one week in school… she randomly reached out to me on Facebook and told me she’s doing a PhD in sociology and a sister from church told her about the blog. We talked that Friday, and that conversation was probably the highlight of my entire month. Provided, I probably had more L’s that month than W’s, haha. But seriously, Mia helped me out when my soul needed restoration.
Spring break was clutch, too. Provided, I didn’t do nearly as much work as I needed to or planned to. But I went to Philly and NY and got to spend some time with some of my people. Jenni took great care of me in Philly, and Tanasha took great care of me in New York. Although I would have gotten far more work done if I stayed at school over Spring Break, my soul needed to be restored, so it’s probably a good thing I left for that 10 days. I came back, and God did some crazy stuff with the remainder of the semester. It went exceptionally well (UPDATE… it actually didn’t go as well as I thought it did when I originally wrote this, lol, so yeah). Still confused as to how it all worked out. But I’m glad God gives us what we need when we need restoration.
Verse 3B: “He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.”
STOP. This verse helped me a lot, too. I’m reminded by something I read by an artist I really enjoy, Stephen the Levite, who’s based out of Philly. He’s going through a tough time, too. On Facebook, he mentioned, “You read through the prophets and see that God is always putting his mouth pieces through crazy stuff, then telling them to write about it.” He has a point, you know. In fact, the entire reason we have the Psalms is because David struggled, and he was willing to tell us the story. There are so many times this year I thought to myself, “God, I feel like it’s not supposed to be this hard.” It was literally FUNNY how badly school was going. Well, it wasn’t funny then, but it’s definitely funny looking back. I legit came into my first semester of my PhD program on academic probation. I had a summer session before my program started, and I didn’t even pass the class! How do you fail in your program before your program even starts? The class was pass fail. Ya boy made a 24. All I needed was a 60. I thought I might get a “mercy pass”, but the Professor literally called me into this office just to tell me that he can’t work with a 24. It’s too low… even for a “mercy pass”.
It’s even worse to know that nobody ever fails that class. The class is in the econ department, so they end up giving a mercy pass to a lot of the business students (we’re not economists, by research focus or training). Nobody had failed that course in the past 6 years. My gut told me I was going to fail that class spectacularly. I kept asking him about the grading throughout the course, but he kept saying, “Don’t worry! Just work hard.” Oh, I did work hard. I was convinced I was going to get a mercy pass. I have great work ethic, right? I’m a pretty likable dude, I think. Maaaan, next thing I know, I’m meeting with the head of my department, who admitted me with a pretty prestigious fellowship from the graduate school, talking about I have one semester to get off academic probation, and if I’m not in good standing by the end of Fall 2017, I’m being dismissed from the PhD program. Welcome to grad school.
But I’m convinced… God leads me through all of this for HIS name’s sake. It just adds to the story. I just need to be willing to push through those moments of adversity.
Verse 4: “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.”
I like this verse, too. Note, this verse doesn’t try to minimize the significance of the threats to our life. It starts with “even though”. In spite of the threat… in spite of the adversity. In spite of the challenge. In spite of your 24! FEAR NO EVIL. But it goes beyond that. It doesn’t say fear no evil because of how brilliant I am. That’s certainly a temptation. It doesn’t say fear no evil because I’m a quick learner. That’s certainly a temptation, too. It doesn’t say fear no evil because you have a great network, or because you go to an amazing school, or because you have all this money, or because we have faculty that are editors for all these top-tier journals, etc. It says I will fear no evil because God is with me. See, anybody can have faith. But we don’t always have faith in the right things. I need to fear no evil because God is with me. It’s not bad to have other stuff, too. But it’s just that: other stuff. They can’t be the biggest source of our faith… all that is just… stuff. And stuff comes and goes. God doesn’t.
Verse 5: “You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.”
I love the first part of this verse. Literally, there were so many times this year where I had to remind myself, “At the end of this semester, you’re going to look back on this moment and laugh hysterically.” To me, that’s what comes to mind when I think of eating in the presence of my enemies. Being able to celebrate my victories, right there in the face of my opposition. Being able to look back on year 1 and say, “Yo, do you remember starting off your PhD program with a 24?! Yo, that was wild!” Or, “Yo, do you remember when you scored in the bottom 5% for BOTH of your Calc 3 midterms?! Yo, that was so funny!” Or, “Yo, do you remember scoring 3 standard deviations below the average for your Quant Methods final?! And then you had to explain to the head of the department why you scored 3 standard deviations below the average for the Quant Methods final?! Yo, that was CRAZY!” Here’s the thing, guys. All that stuff is in the past. I finished Year 1. I can laugh in the presence of my opposition. I didn’t flunk out. I wasn’t dismissed. I’m still here. I’m still strong. And I believe more blessings are on the way. My cup will overflow.
Verse 6: “Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.”
To me, the most important part of Verse 6 is the close. I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever. I feel like the temptation in society is only to seek out God when things are going horribly, horribly wrong. Again, maybe you get laid off, or that divorce, or maybe you’re like me and you finish a class with a 24. The reality though, guys, is we should be seeking His face daily. We’re God’s treasured possessions. He wants to provide for us. It’s who He is. It would be tragic for me to seek his face all semester, get an awesome grade in a course, and go back to life as usual. Or seek his face when I’m working on my dissertation, defend it, and go back to life as usual. Or seek His face when I’m interviewing for a position at the London School of Economics or Singapore Management University, get the job, and then go back to life as usual.
Guys, these experiences are intended to deepen our faith and draw us closer. They should make us want to dwell in the House of the Lord forever.
I’m not kidding; I’m pretty sure I looked at these 6 verses over 50 times this academic year. This passage helped me a lot. Hopefully it’s an encouragement to you as well.
Nnamdi