Essay No. 5: Sex, Singles, Sallie Mae, & Synergy

Essay No. 5: Sex, Singles, Sallie Mae, & Synergy

Disclaimer: The post below includes adult themes. 

Although Tinder started less than 10 years ago in 2012, it already enjoys more than 10 million daily active users.  You have to admit, that’s pretty impressive.  The interface it has is now iconic among dating apps: swipe right for profiles you’re interested in, otherwise, swipe left.  Admittedly, the app has gotten a really bad rep for being an app primarily, if not exclusively, for hookups.  Evidence doesn’t seem to support that idea though.  Research by academics who study attraction and romance overwhelmingly show that users are primarily on Tinder to meet people.  In the digital age, apps like Tinder make putting yourself out there and getting to know other men and women a lot easier.  To be fair, we know the same is true for hookups.  For people interested in spontaneous, casual sex, Tinder makes that really easy, too, and indeed, that’s certainly how some users engage with the app (although most studies suggest those users are in the minority).

I have to admit though.  As a single man in my late 20’s living in a progressive, cosmopolitan city with amazing night life, it’s hard not to notice the proliferation of ‘hookup’ culture.

Sex.  Is.  Literally.  EVERYWHERE.  In 2020, it’s probably never been more available or accessible than it is RIGHT NOW.  More on that later…

I have been giving this topic some thought though, and some related topics, too.  I ended up using a modified version of that train of thought to distill this essay.

We’re in a new era of history.  In general, the institution of marriage in the US has largely unraveled in the last 200 years.  Once upon a time, women used to depend on men for their livelihood.  Property ownership.  Voting.  And money, for sure.  That’s simply not true anymore.  Women own property, vote, and although there’s a wage gap, women actually do quite well in the work force.  In fact, women now represent the majority of college graduates, and they’ve represented the majority of the student body in higher education for several decades.  As far as livelihood is concerned, this weakens the need for marriage.

Women, in many cases, do just fine without being wed to a man.

A similar point can be made for children.  Single parent households are increasingly common, with the rate of children in single parent households almost tripling from the late 1960’s to 2018 (ie. from 13% to 32%).  For women interested in having a family, they can do so with or without a marriage.  In fact, you know as well as I do that it’s not uncommon at all for many couples to begin a family together even before they get married, assuming they get married at all.  As far as children are concerned, this probably weakens the need for marriage, too.

Women can be parents with or without being wed to a man.

But by and large, perhaps one of the biggest considerations that (I think) has weakened the need for marriage is mediums for physical and sexual intimacy.  We know God is relational… we even see Him taking various forms, in Jesus and the Sprit, just to meet various needs in His relationship with us.  If people are made in His image, that means we’re relational, too.  Intimacy is INCREDIBLY important because God made us to be relational.  I’m reminded of research by developmental psychologists who study children… when children aren’t touched/hugged regularly, they tend to suffer developmentally.  On the other hand, hugs and physical contact increase release of a hormone known as oxytocin, known colloquially as the ‘love hormone’, which (1) aids in development for children and (2) may help combat depression and anxiety in children and adults.

Heck, if that’s what a hug or physical touch can do, imagine what sex can do (particularly with a significant other).  I’m not just pulling stuff out of my armpit, you know.

It’s true.

Elevated mood; release of feel good hormones; buffers against stress and anxiety; and perhaps the most important of all, THE NEED FOR PHYSICAL INTIMACY AND BELONGING… sex, in the right context, does lots of good things for us… in almost every sense of the word.

But with the (on-demand) availability of so many different forms of physical and sexual intimacy these days, whether through a marriage, a chance hookup via Tinder, a one night stand with a friend or classmate, a steady girlfriend, or even self-stimulation (including but not limited to toys, pornography, and the like), lots of people fill their need for physical and sexual intimacy without the additional commitment of marriage.

That’s just the new norm.

It’s not gender specific, although men probably have a stronger incentive to engage in casual sex than women do… but, this is an increasingly common practice for both men and women.

So, people can have (1) their livelihood, (2) children, and (3) even physical and sexual intimacy, and marriage is no longer the only gateway to accessing such things.  I don’t know if we would have said that 70 or 80 years ago.  Indeed, the institution of marriage in society at large has unraveled in many ways.

It’s deeper than that though.  We’ve also seen the consequences of dysfunctional relationships (marriage and otherwise).  We can discuss that next.

For a long time, people, including social scientists, presumed that being in a romantic relationship was BETTER than being single.  After all, relationships provide social support, emotional and physical intimacy, comradery, and the list goes on.  ALL of these are good things for people to have.  In general though, it’s probably a bit presumptuous to assume that romantic relationships (on average) provide more of those things than an individual would have if they were single.

But don’t take my word for it.

Some European researchers were interested in studying how romantic relationships influence our state of mind, and so they proceeded with their investigation.  According to them, their results suggests relationships are GREAT for us when they’re (1) long term and (2) healthy.  In many ways though, those relationships tend to be in the minority.  If the relationship doesn’t last at least a year, or if the relationship is dysfunctional, the researchers actually found that these (partnered) individuals had LOWER self-esteem than their counterparts that did not date at all.

Hey, there’s nothing wrong with taking your time.  One or two bad relationship can really screw with your mind and emotions.  And science speaks to that.

Speaking of taking your time, again, these same researchers found that married couples didn’t receive a boost in self-esteem either, compared to their counterparts in longterm, stable relationships that had not married yet.  I’m sure some of these unmarried couples were living together, had children together, etc.

I think it highlights the point I made earlier… I still, 100% believe marriage is one of God’s greatest gifts to us… but let’s be honest: the way the world has changed, marriage definitely isn’t what it used to be.

The writing is on the wall.

Speaking of married couples, they have their own challenges cut out for them.  According to a study in the United States of more than 26,000 adults from 1989 to 2014, researchers found some evidence that married couples have been declining in their sexual intimacy.  For whatever reason, they’re having less sex than they did in the early 90’s.  In fact, by some measures of the data, the psychologists found that single people were actually having MORE sex than the married persons in their dataset.

See, this is why I love science.  I love counterintuitive results.

If we stick with this idea that we’re relational creatures, and God designed sex to improve every form of intimacy in marriage, it’s so counterintuitive that people are getting married and actually having LESS sex.  Instead, we see single men and women reaping all the benefits of sex, while their married counterparts are doing who knows what after they walk down the aisle…

That’s crazy.

Experts warn this is a bad look for married partners though.  Lack of intimacy is one of the most common reasons for divorce.  In the early stages of marriage, there’s likely an infatuation with the partner.  They’re beautiful or attractive in everything they wear.  Their physical shape is probably similar to what it was during dating.  Everything about them is attractive.  Over time though, without careful attention, marriage can become more of a business relationship (you bathe the kids, I’ll do the dishes) than a relationship where intimacy is prioritized.  Indeed, some estimates believe anywhere from 15% to 20% of married couples are in a sexless relationship.  For those under 40, presumably those thought to be physically healthy enough to be sexually intimate, studies estimate 20% of married couples have sex less than monthly.

That means you live with the love of your life, and you’re physically intimate less than once every 30 days.

Strange times, people.  But there’s more.

While many people may opt not to marry at all, for those that do, they’re taking more time than ever before to get there.  According to a 2017 US Census, the median age for men’s first marriage now is 29.5, which is 2 years above the median age for women (27.4).  Researchers believe men and women will continue to wait longer to get married in the future, too.  I suspect there are literally dozens of reasons why, but as a currently enrolled PhD student, it just makes the most sense to talk about school.

My generation has the highest rate of college educated grads.  A study by the Pew Research Center showed 39% of Millennials (compared with 29% of Gen X’ers) between the age of 25 and 37 have a bachelor’s degree or higher.  Education comes at a price though.  Although aggregate numbers for student debt are somewhat limited, as of 2019, experts estimated for borrowers between the ages of 25 to 34 (ie. millennials), there was about $498 BILLION in outstanding loan debt for about 15 million borrowers.  In case you were wondering, that’s about $30,000 per borrower, on average.

I won’t lie.  This makes me sad.

I’m reminded of a point Elizabeth Warren frequently makes, which literally blows my mind every time I hear it.  She went to college in the 1950’s and paid her tuition with a PART TIME position as a waitress.  To be clear, even back then, the wages earned as a waitress weren’t just modest… they were probably the ABSOLUTE MINIMUM.  Nevertheless, she was able to support herself in attending college.  She didn’t borrow $30,000 to earn her bachelor’s degree.

This isn’t a post about politics.  But I do use that example to illustrate my point.  My generation is straddled in student loan debt, and in some ways, the middle class of America is deteriorating.

Honestly, I think people need time to figure out how to navigate this maze that’s becoming increasingly complex.  This world is changing so quickly these days.

I think lots of (young) people graduate with a degree and are a tad bit idealistic.  They did what America told them to do: they worked hard, and they got an education.  Then they graduate and work 2 or 3 crappy, dead end jobs for a year and a half or two years before they find something that’s decent enough to support them.  But heck, by the time they find a decent job, it wouldn’t surprise me if that student debt has actually gone up, so you financially paid for that two years, bouncing around, trying to find a decent job with decent pay.

I think when you take this, in addition to everything else I shared in this piece, it’s no wonder that people are taking longer to get married (if they get married at all).  My generation spends their 20’s trying to figure out career stuff while digging themselves out of this ditch called student loan debt, all the while being exploited by various employers who want to work them as much as possible for as little pay is permissible.

Americans today have a different sense of priorities, too.  50 years ago, marriage was considered a rite of passage for adulthood.  Today, research shows that Americans believe that completing formal schooling and securing full time employment were extremely important to adulthood.  In fact, Americans ranked education and employment as more important milestones to adulthood than both  (1) Marriage and (2) having a child.  We place a premium on education.  And we pay quite a bit for it, too.

I’ve had more than a few economics classes at this point, so I understand the notion of labor markets, optimization, supply and demand curves, etc.  But I can’t help but feel like there’s a better way to do this.  ‘cuz this is wild.

People are being CRUSHED with student loan debt.  I’m fortunate my dad paid for my 1^st degree and my PhD is fully funded (yes, fully funded).  But I know my peers are feeling it right now.

I suppose I can’t end a post like this without talking about my own social life.  No cap, 2019 was hard.  I was talking to this girl… and she started acting REAL FUNNY.  Soooooo, I started acting REAL FUNNY.  And that was basically the beginning of the end.  HA!  Long story short, we haven’t spoken in over a year.  It’s LITERALLY the dumbest thing, and it makes me sad… but hey, it be like that sometimes.  Honestly though, almost every crappy situation I’ve ever been in makes for a funny story at some point, so one day, I’m convinced this story will be an amazing punch line.

Speaking of punch lines though, people TRIP ME OUT… they’ll literally try and put me on girls for the DUMBEST reasons.

“Oh, she’s great, bro.  She really likes brunch.”

“Oh, you’ll love her, she likes to travel just like you!”

People really be out here trying to play me.  You think my forever love is just someone who likes to travel?  Do you really think there’s any difficulty finding a woman in my age range who likes to travel or do brunch?  Do you really think that’s what I’m waiting on?  See… now when I uppercut you, you’re going to say I did you wrong, but you want to talk crazy, right?

I don’t think people understand that forever is a long time to spend with someone… this isn’t just a cute girl I’m going to grab drinks with every now and then or a pretty woman that will meet me at the gym a few times a week.

Forever is a LONG time.  What do we need?  Yes, I need a spiritually minded woman.  Yes, she should be attractive.  Those are so obvious, they don’t even need stating.

We need chemistry, people.  Synergy.

I’m a nerd, so I’ll take it upon myself to do the most.  In undergrad, I remember I had a mergers & acquisitions course as part of my finance degree (GREAT class).  Periodically, a company will decide to acquire another company… stay with me; I’m going somewhere.  So, Google bought YouTube.  Amazon bought Whole Foods.  Disney bought Fox.  You get the idea.  The logic here is simple: we’ll create more value together than we would separately.  I’m, literally, better with you than I am by myself.

Synergy.

Admittedly, I could have (probably should have) used the word chemistry, but that would have thrown off the alliteration… but if it helps you with the example, just think chemistry.  Chemistry is EVERYTHING in a relationship.

What does synergy look like?  For me, I think it’s simple.  I could be anywhere doing almost anything with anybody.  But more than anything, I just want to be with you.  That’s not just fluff you know…

I could be working every weekend for the next month.  If this was my first Saturday night free in a month (true story), would I want to be with you?

If I had to choose between a direct flight to wherever I was going and a 6-hour layover in your city (enough time for brunch, btw… just saying), would I want to be with you?

If our date ended up being extended by an hour because there was a ridiculous amount of traffic and we’re stuck in bumper to bumper traffic on the highway (again, true story), WOULD I WANT TO BE WITH YOU?

I’m not trying to butter you up on some romantic type stuff.  There are lots of people that I have to be with.  There are lots of people I’m open to being with.  There’s only a handful of people that I actually like to be with.  Forever is a LONG time.

Do.  I.  Want.  To.  Be.  With.  You?  Especially because I’m an introvert; I’m not trying to give more time than I have to to people I don’t even vibe with like that.  Do I want to be with you?

And you have to ask yourself the same question.

So often in these conversations about romance we try and get it down to a science, and while I do believe there are good rules of thumb, YOU CAN’T FAKE CHEMISTRY.

Baby, we got it or we don’t.

I want to be with somebody that I want to be with.  I know I basically said nothing.  But in a weird way… I can’t help but feel that I said everything.

Beyond the general chemistry I’m referring to, there is really something to this synergy perspective.  Synergy is about value creation.  Beyond just a general level of cohesion that’s provided by chemistry, I want a woman that I can create value with.  I’m not trying to be out here in a relationship being super selfish… my relationship isn’t just supposed to be for me, you understand?  It’s also supposed to be a vehicle that God can work through to do all kinds of cool things.  Again, value creation, right?  So, to that end, beyond just being a dope friend, and a spiritually inclined woman, you have to be a great partner for me.

Lots of people are dope friends.

Lots of people are spiritually inclined.

And lots of people are great partners… but you have to be a great partner for me.

We have to have synergy… this ain’t for play play.  Anyway, who would have thought finance would have ever helped me make sense of my social life.  I stand by what I said though… I think synergy, both chemistry AND value creation, is everything.

Some random thoughts,

Nnam’