It’s Goin’ Down in the DM’s
Here we are, several months into social distancing and what I call #TheCoronaChronicles. Suffice to say this isn’t what any of us had planned for the year. It’s been uneventful at home, tbh. But as a social scientist, I’m always interested in how people behave in different situations. I have been intrigued by Pandemic Dating though. I mean, people are out here, HEAVY, on Quarantine Bae. It does bring up an important conversation though, some of which I alluded to in an earlier essay: Sex, Singles, Sallie Mae, & Synergy. Dating looks really different in the 21st century. As true as that is, it looks substantially different in the midst of a public health pandemic. Now more than ever, people feel emboldened about sliding in the DM’s (direct messages, via Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, or other social media platforms). After all, your crush is at home, lonely as mug, in their pj’s at 4PM, waiting for a little somethin’ somethin’ to spice up their week. And their DM’s are a click or tap away.
But therein lies the issue: a lot of people just aren’t very good at this.
Allow me to explain.
There’s a bit of an art, and science, to hitting things off in the DM’s. And I don’t necessarily think people are just INHERENTLY bad at getting things poppin’, but the truth is this is the digital age, and a lot of our content on dating (or even communication, generally) hasn’t really caught up to the explosion of technology. More guidance is probably helpful. And science can probably aid us. I have Briana to thank for this post, because we were having a conversation about on a very similar topic, and I enjoyed that conversation so much, I decided I should probably write about it… I suspect other people may find some useful nuggets, too.
Psychologists have been studying impression management theory since the early 1980’s. Impression management, in general, is a field of study concerned with strategies people use to influence how others perceive them. Admittedly, different social settings warrant different tactics. When you’re at home with friends and family, you’re probably a lot less concerned with impression management. Compare that to when you walk into an interview for a job. Or even when you get pulled over by the police. These are 3 unique situations. An underlying principle emerges: different settings vary in (1) the behavioral norms expected/permitted and (2) the penalties for violating norms.
Revisiting our example, when you’re with friends and family, these are people who know you quite well, and even if you end up “violating norms”, the penalties are probably reasonably low. This is a “safe space”. On the other hand, when you’re with the police, your impression management strategies (showing you’re responsible, level headed, and non-threatening) may be the difference between a ticket and a friendly warning (that’s also influenced by other variables, too, but I’ll leave that alone for now). Similarly, when you’re with your boss, you want them to think you’re an asset to the team and competent in your work, lest you be overlooked for an advancement opportunity, referral, letter of recommendation, etc.
As you would imagine, when you slide into someone’s DM’s, particularly someone you’re interested in getting to know better, you find yourself in a highly evaluative context, for many reasons. The same is true for dates, virtual or otherwise, particularly with strangers or people you do not know well.
While that might sound ‘judgmental’, that doesn’t necessarily need to be the case. In fact, it’s fundamental human nature, and good practice, to make evaluations of strangers or those we do not know well when we’re approached by them.
For instance, if I receive an unsolicited message from someone I don’t know, man or woman, on social media, I have to naturally progress through a litany of questions.
Is this person safe to engage with?
Can I trust them with sensitive information?
Do we share any common affiliations (ie. the same school, the same city, the same church, etc.)?
Even in-person, on dates, I have to do the exact same thing.
Is this a safe place to be myself?
Is this person open minded?
Am I going to enjoy this date, or will I count the minutes before I can safely say, “I need to run.”?
Evaluations are a natural part of the process. But here’s the kicker with evaluations, and here’s how it ties into sliding in the DM’s: evaluations are inherently difficult, and regularly subject to inaccuracy, and yet we have to make these evaluations anyway.
Think about it.
We send in a resume for a job so the employer has MORE information to evaluate us.
We come in for a job interview to provide, still, MORE information so they can evaluate us.
Importantly, this isn’t a one-way street (although it can feel that way). When I was applying to PhD programs, my current program flew me out, all expenses paid, and put me in a hotel so I could visit the school, even though I had already been admitted. Even though they already made their decision about me, they wanted me to be able to evaluate them, because that’s part of the process…
It worked. I accepted the offer.
This notion of evaluations and getting to know people better leads us to our 1st of 3 points.
UNDERSTAND PROXIMITY: WHAT IT MEANS AND HOW IT EFFECTS THE CONVERSATION
When we slide in the DM’s, we’re almost always reaching out to someone that we DON’T know particularly well. After all, there are probably better ways of getting in contact for people you do know well. It may differ for you, but people in my DM’s usually fall into 1 of 4 categories:
***People I’ve never met but they’re good friends with MY good friends.
***People I’ve never met, and they’re NOT good friends with any of my good friends.
***People I’ve met and know reasonably well, but we’ve never exchanged numbers.
***People I’ve met but do NOT know reasonably well, and we have NOT exchanged numbers.
Note, none of my good friends hit me up via DM’s.
From what I can tell, when you slide in the DM’s, there’s usually unfamiliarity on both sides… you usually don’t know them super well, and they usually don’t know you super well. So, based on what we know about impression management theory, we should keep a few things in mind.
To start, first impressions are lasting impressions. You have to COME CORRECT. That’s not a suggestion; that’s an expectation. Let me be clear on what this means. While a witty pick up line is awesome, and go for it if you have one, what I mean practically is “don’t be boring”. It’s crazy, a lot of girls think they get dinged in the DM’s because of what they look like (I’m not here to tell you that doesn’t matter, although I’ll also mention there are many other variables at work, too). Admittedly though, I know a lot of absolutely gorgeous women that I don’t particularly enjoy talking to, via text, in person, or otherwise. It’s just a drag, to be honest (I’m sure many women have similar experiences). Remember, in the DM’s, this is someone you don’t know particularly well, and early impressions matter… so, the conversation needs to look inviting or appealing if you expect them to play ping pong with you and do the back and forth.
For me, as a courtesy, I always respond to the first message (not all men feel that way). But usually by the second message, I have a sense of whether or not I want to have a conversation with that person. I’ll still engage, to be courteous, but I’ve usually made my impression already. It doesn’t take long, folks.
A few practicals, if you’re the type that likes those
- You don’t know a ton about this person, and it’s hard to know up front which way the conversation will progress. You can counter that by trying to share a bit more information, or eliciting more information, up front. What this will allow for you to do is get them talking about something you said that they found interesting. Or you might focus in more on something they said that you found interesting… those conversations tend to flow much more naturally
- There are occasions when you don’t know much about the person, but you know 2 or 3 key things that are important. Instead of, “Hey, how are you?”, you could say, “hey, I know we haven’t spoken in a while, but I remember you posting about starting your own catering business. How has that been?” It’s much, MUCH easier to initiate a conversation, or even anchor a conversation, around something that you already know to be of some importance. Again, if you don’t make it past message one or two, it’s not looking good.
- Try and leverage information you have… truthfully, everything public on social media is up for grabs. If they didn’t want to share their information, they wouldn’t be on social media and/or they’d make their profile private. USE THIS WITH CAUTION. I do not recommend going through and liking super old posts or pictures, but it is flattering, to both men and women, when there’s a reasonable prospect taking a (1) respectful and (2) modest level of interest in their life. Disclaimer: It’s a riskier strategy, but when done well, you’ll be off to a good start. Try it out once or twice and see how it works for you.
- People enjoy feeling happy. You should use that. Cracking a joke or two is definitely a good thing (you wouldn’t want to be with someone you can’t laugh with anyway, although I should mention while everyone likes humor, humor taste varies from person to person… start with safe humor). Build people up. People love feeling good about themselves, and admittedly, not everyone does all the time (myself included). I wouldn’t recommend starting a conversation with “hey beautiful” or “hey handsome”, but affirming people in other ways, early on, is definitely a good idea.
PRACTICE HOW YOU CAN BE YOURSELF GIVEN THE MEDIUM YOU’RE COMMUNICATING THROUGH
There’s something else we should keep in mind based on impression management theory. I’ll return to my example about work. There’s a reason why after sending in a resume, you get a phone interview. And after a phone interview, if you’re lucky, you get an in-person interview. Have you ever thought about why that is? Again, impression management theory can help us: our ability to make impressions, by and large, depends on the medium. The medium we utilize to send or receive information (ie. the DM’s in this case) influences our ability to make accurate and timely evaluations.
So here, I’ll add to my comment on proximity with a second piece of advice: you need to be yourself, but you may need to exaggerate that ever so slightly.
Let’s talk about being yourself.
For being yourself, it’s pretty straight forward. You don’t want to be in a relationship with someone that you can’t be yourself with. That would be miserable for both of you. But there’s a wrinkle in this, because we’re talking about being yourself… via message. That’s like having an interview in person vs. having an interview via email.
How on earth do you sell yourself via a message?
Well, you have to exaggerate. But ever so slightly.
Admittedly, exaggeration is a word that usually has a negative underlying connotation associated with it. But when we’re talking about written communication, exaggeration may not be as much of an issue.
Here’s why.
A HUGE part of communication is SOCIOlinguistic cues (emphasis added).
Facial expressions.
Body language.
Words per second.
Volume.
Tone of voice and inflection.
Honestly, you lose A LOT of information when you convert to written communication, particularly with someone you don’t know well. So honestly, you need to exaggerate, but just a little bit.
You HAVE to show you’re interested.
You HAVE to show you’re engaged.
You HAVE to show that you think a comment or remark is funny.
You HAVE to show you connected with a particular point they made.
You HAVE to be over the top, but only a little bit… does that make sense?
It’s part of the connection. It’s soooooo important. Two things in particular can help you, I think. (1) Emojis and (2) exclamation marks are your friend (but again, you’re exaggerating, but only a little bit). If you’re trying to form a connection, then you have to create a connection. This particular medium calls for you to exaggerate, but only a little bit. I don’t think that’s necessary in person, but when you’re sliding in the DM’s with someone you don’t know, I definitely think it’s important.
I think I’ve sufficiently demonstrated this point, so maybe I’ll move to the final one.
YOU HAVE TO BE CONVERSATIONAL
If you’re going to be in the DM’s with someone you don’t know well, you have to be conversational. And as obvious as this is, that doesn’t make it any less important. As much as it stinks to hear, there are people that aren’t great to converse with, in person or otherwise. And I think that may be especially true via message, for many of the reasons we’ve been discussing already. The good news is this is entirely learnable. You need to be conversational.
Being conversational is two fold: (1) producing good conversation and (2) generating conversation that will be evaluated more positively.
Producing good conversation just requires a level of thoughtfulness. Keep in mind, your conversation with this person is entirely discretionary. He is not your husband, and she is not your wife. You’re not entitled to their time. Period. So, it’s probably in your best interest to create a conversation that they WANT to engage in, even though there are other things they could be doing… and being attractive only goes so far in this arena (ironically, we have the least control over that, but it’s the thing we tend to give so much attention to).
Be a good conversationalist.
No one word replies.
No one sentence responses.
Have an actual conversation. Acknowledge what they said. Share some follow up questions. Self-disclose about your own life, right, because you want them to get to know you better, too. This isn’t a one-way street. It’s never a bad thing for people to want to have a conversation with you. So, send messages that make people want to do that.
This is where people get tripped up. I’ll use myself as an example. Sometimes people give me a hard time for not responding, but that’s because I pride myself in being a good conversationalist. And that takes cognitive resources. LISTEN. I said having a GOOD conversation takes cognitive resources. Would you rather I send you a lame, one-word reply? I want to have a conversation with you, but in order to do that, I have to produce intelligible, thoughtful, and coherent responses. Otherwise, this message thread isn’t going to work. But doing that, and doing that well, produces a much more fruitful conversation. And my hope would be that women say, “Wow, I like talking to him.” And if I’m fortunate or lucky, they may say “I really like talking to him.”
Now, hear what I’m saying.
I’m not saying to be calculated and disingenuous with the messages you send. What I AM saying is, if you’re trying to have a fruitful conversation with someone that you’re NOT in person with, that requires a thoughtful and intentional design to your message, and every message you send may not be conducive to that. And that’s facts. It’s the difference between getting a response and getting left on read.
So, slow down, and give your message some thought.
In addition to producing good conversation, I mentioned producing conversation that will be evaluated more positively. And this is easy.
Can I ask a favor? Can we just, literally, take 15 seconds and proofread something before sending it? Please? Aside from it just being painful to read otherwise, you already lose out on SO MUCH information because you’re connecting virtually. The last thing you want is for a conversation to be derailed because you didn’t clearly specify or articulate your question or point… or you left out, like, 7 words… or you used the wrong verb tense… or you have a block paragraph of text with ZERO punctuation marks. Remember, the conversation is discretionary, but there are things you have more influence over… people are a lot more likely to respond to something they understand, and they’re more likely to engage with you when your messages don’t make their head hurt.
Try and avoid typos.
Construct coherent sentences.
If it’s a longer message, break it up into different paragraphs, so nothing is lost and they can respond to everything you included.
We could definitely add several more points, but those are 3 major observations we can make based on impression management theory, and they’re all actionable, like, immediately. That was by design. In getting to know people, there are so many things you don’t have control over… ironically, we get fixated on a lot of those things. I wrote this to highlight some of the things that we do have control over, and in the aggregate, they matter a lot. I’ll share a few other things based on anecdotal experience (psychology research, too, supports many of the below points).
This post is running long, so I’ll try and make these quick.
- Being really formal can make people feel uncomfortable. Think about it. You behave differently at work than you do at home. You behave differently at a beach than you do at a funeral. Nobody wants to be getting to know somebody, on a date or otherwise, and they feel like they’re on a job interview. It’s supposed to be light and entertaining. Loosen up.
- I know lots of people have profile pictures promoting various causes that are important to them right now, but remember, part of our evaluations with strangers is whether or not they’re safe. In other words, we need to have some idea of who we’re talking to. No cat photos. No pictures of sunsets. Try an actual picture of yourself. If you have reservations about that, admittedly, I don’t know if I’d recommend you sliding into anyone’s DM’s. It’s a little more threatening, because it’s not clear who you are.
- Nobody wants to talk to a robot. High key, I read people’s Facebook responses sometimes, and I feel like some people act exactly like spambots. Show some personality. Stop the monotony. Remember, you have to exaggerate, just a little bit. Turn it on, and have fun.
- You may notice if you do this and do this well with someone you’re connecting with, it takes time and cognitive resources. At some point, you’ll probably say, “That’s a really great question, but it’s too much to text,” or “I have a lot to say about what you just shared, but it would take forever to write”… I think that’s the entire point. I’m not here to tell you the DM’s is a great place to build friendships or connections. Personally, I don’t even think that’s true. I think it’s a place to start. Where you go from there is up to you, but hopping on the phone or grabbing coffee in person are great options, assuming they’ve been fun to connect with. But if you do this well, you are going to feel some tension: ie. is there a better way to do this? I think the answer is a resounding YES, when/if things get to that point. But feeling that tension, I think, is normal.
- You can’t force this. Remember, the DM’s are just as much for you as it is for them. So if things are falling flat, that’s okay… it could be you guys would hit it off more in person, it could mean you guys should just stay friends or acquaintances, or it could mean they may not make as good of a friend as you initially thought.
- Remember, other people’s evaluations of something need not determine your own impressions. There are lots of restaurants or foods other people like that I don’t find particularly good… the opposite is periodically true as well. There might be a girl or guy that lots of other people rave about, but if you’re not feeling it than you’re not feeling it. It’s not that deep.
- This isn’t a recipe. And it’s not a formula. Like I said, there are MANY things you don’t have control over… I’m discussing some of the things that you do have influence over and how you can better utilize them.
- Some people are just better or easier to engage with in person… you gotta roll with the punches.
That’s all for now. More random thoughts…
Nnamdi